By Amber Michelle K.
myaru@etherealvoid.net

Personal Log entry 0677474:
Year: 9999
Area: Etrenank, Solaris

..........

I don't know what to do.

For the first time in nearly one thousand years, I do not know what to do. My plans have nearly been unravelled, and all I can do is thank my luck that I haven't lost this shell to the hands of my opponents yet.

Where does this come from? My purpose is as clear now as the day I awakened on the sands of Anonelbe, yet I find...... I find I cannot, in truth, wholly dedicate myself to the cause of my creator any longer. I don't understand it, this change of feelings...... hadn't I destroyed such things, long ago? I have in my hands the key to the blessed oblivion of death, and yet I cannot move......

It's as if creation has come around and slapped me across the face. 'Do unto others as you would have done unto you' -- those words have come to haunt me, and they whisper in my ears every night that I share in the arms of Karellen's 'creation'. And it is not fear of retribution that scares me, so much as what I've done to deserve it.

And why? What is this change of heart?

I love him.

I love him...... This precious child, with his molten eyes and ivory features, has stabbed me through the heart with that pleading gaze of his, and caught it in his ever-gentle hands. I can't stand the kindness he shows me, or the feelings I see behind his misery that he only half-understands. I can't take the words, or the child-like curiosity, or the softness of his touch...... I can't take it anymore.

He tears me to shreds every time he speaks, leaves me standing, unable to utter a sound to return the favor. I cannot, cannot hurt him. I just can't...... How can I continue to live like this, hold my feelings inside like this? It hurts....... Every time I deceive him it pains me......

God, I want to die......

Die...... and I'll never hurt again. Die, and I'll never cause pain again...... Die at Lacan's hands, as it was meant to be, and everything will disappear.

I can't even turn around. He'll be there, pale as silver in the light of early dawn...... I'll have to reach out and touch him, as I always do, and those gleaming eyes of his will open and snare me like a helpless animal caught in a trap. Such exquisite torture, it must be, for I can never escape him, no matter how badly I wish I could.

I would die, if I had to leave him. I'll die if I don't, if not physically, than spiritually. I'm torn between maternal love, and the urge to destroy him before he destroys me, before I can hurt him, shatter his innocence.

God curse you, Karellen, for talking me into this....... damn you to the Circles of Hell.......

If I weren't here, he might be happy, might have grown up without such weights around his neck. If I weren't here, he would be...... he would be human, a person...... He's such an angel...... Why has God cursed him to his fate in my hands? Why? He does not deserve me. He does not deserve the pain I will serve him, before I die. I know, I know I will leave him in agony to meet my death, and willingly will I do it.......

Willingly, I will plunge that dagger into his back. I'll hate myself -- god, I already hate myself -- but I'll do it. I'll do it, and I'll see his love for me die in those bottomless golden eyes; Karellen's void will replace me, in his heart...... and I'll hate myself, even unto death.

Never will anyone feel loathing for me as I feel it for myself. Never.

You say, Kahr, that you'll love me until the end of days...... And only God knows how much I wish that could be true. But if your hand is the one that slays me......

If I die by your hand, my precious Ramses...... I will forever be grateful. I love you......

God help me for it.