By Amber Michelle K.
myaru@etherealvoid.net

- Xenogears is (c) Squaresoft. This story is for entertainment only. -


"Kel...... are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure? You look......"

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Just..... just go away."


Why was it so quiet? So hollow...... The grasses waved under her feet, and the wind hummed past her ears, gliding through her hair like slender hands. Yet Kelvena felt...... hollow. The world was gray, empty...... dead.

Or was she the one that was dead?

It was gone. Her one love, her one driving force....... just...... gone. All she had ever excelled at was banished from existence, just so...... as if someone had swept it all away with an errant gust of wind. And the world was left floundering, as a fish without water, to search for another meaning in life, something else to fill the void that had been left behind.

Kelvena sighed. It wasn't the world that was floundering like a landed fish. It was just one, weak, incompetant little girl who had just lost everything she had ever been good at in life. Oh, she still had her talent....... had there been anything to draw on for that talent. But nothing...... nothing was left. No life-giving fire, as there had been in the days before Deus; no feeling of invincibility, no heightened senses to bring the world outside alive around her. Nothing to focus on or grasp with her will. Nothing.

She remembered, so long ago....... being so proud of making her hands shine white, or blue, or just so brightly that no one could even tell what color they were...... Her mother had said they were the color of the wings of angels that would come down from heaven to bless little girls. Kelvena had even believed that, for the longest time. Had told Seraphita the same thing, when she first began to learn about her ablities. She's..... she's still such a little kid. She still believes me about that...... I wish I could still believe it. She could reach out...... but there was nothing but dust and ashes to coat her hands, now.

So what was she going to do? Kill herself? Illogical, that...... even if the old religious taboos were unfounded, she still couldn't bring herself to do something so stupid. But what was left? She was useless without her power. Worthless. She had been the best of the best, and that had kept her alive, and even confident, in Solaris. Now....... now she was the fodder they would have done away with in the labs.

Now...... she was just nothing. Nothing.

Dominia can swing that sword of hers to defend people. She's set her mind on keeping her heritage alive, even if she's the only one who cares. A sigh. Sera-chan likes to take care of children. Tolone can make the old technology work. Where does that leave me? Poor, useless Kelvena...... No one needs meditation, unless it's their own. There's no use for an intelligence officer in a time of rebuilding. Her parents were dead in the fall of Etrenank, her Commander was steeped in his own depression...... And Elly, damn her, was of no use to anyone who wasn't homeless or injured.

Well....... wasn't she just setting herself up for a bleak existence? Kelvena smirked, even as her own words cut deep enough to draw her heart's blood. She wished more than anything that she wasn't right......... Dominia said she wasn't, Billy said she wasn't, but she knew, deep down, that she was as worthless to the world now as the Commander thought he was.

And what was worse was that she could not bring herself to even cry over it. Not even that. All she felt was that stinging emptiness, like something vital had been taken away from her. Something vital had been taken away from her......

I hate this. I hate this world. I wish they had let Deus destroy it!

God knew everyone deserved it.


** ** ** The moon shone brightly, rivaling the sun in sheer intensity, and diamond starts twinkled in the blackness of the night. Kelvena could see, if she stared hard, clusters of misty light in the sky, far, far away; she thought they might shine as brightly as hers did upon some other planet, maybe upon other humans who lived blissfully unaware of the mistakes that had almost destroyed the earth she now lay on. She wished she could be a part of their world; heaven -- if indeed it existed -- knew she didn't want to be a part of the one she was stuck in, now......

What was it about life that made it so...... erratic?

"Kelvena."

She blinked against the moonlight, eyes flickering about before she decided the intruder must be standing behind her. Rather than moving, she remained where she was, rubbing her forehead with the back of her hand and trying to shield her eyes. Even now, her eyes were extremely sensitive to light; Kelvena wasn't sure she would ever grow accustomed to it, after so many years of darkness.

"I know you want to be alone Kel...... but it's hard for us to just sit back and watch you move away like this." Her visitor sighed, clothing rustling in the cool breeze. "May I join you?"

Kelvena echoed his sigh, still staring up at the round, full disc of the moon in the heavens. It was blinding; she had never had the time or oppertunity to look before, but without her power, she could see it with wide-open eyes. Yet beautiful as it was, the moon was a poor substitute for her power. Blinking again, she nodded silently.

Billy shrugged out of his coat, laying it down on the grass beside her before taking his seat and leaning back against the hill as she had, gazing up at the moon. The wind lifted his silvery hair in sparkling strands, exposing pale, diamond-like irises that seemed to shine like stars. "Why so distant, Kel?"

The gentle voice was another knife in her heart. The way it played on her name....... "No reason, really......" she finally replied softly.

"No reason?" He seemed to smile, still gazing up into the sky that was his heritage. "Is that an 'I don't want to talk about it' or an 'I don't know'? I've found that response usually means one of those two things. I've spoken..... to a lot of people about their problems." Grass rustled; though she could only sense the movement from the corner of her eye, she knew he was looking at her. There was always a singular feeling she couldn't shake, a shivering sort of sensation, whenever he rested his eyes on her. "I'm surprised they still find me trustworthy, after the truth about my organization was revealed."

Kelvena shrugged, trying to ignore it. "You have that kind of face; people trust you. They know you were part of the group that saved them from Solaris." She sighed again, closing her eyes. Familiar, that darkness. But achingly empty, at the same time. "Besides, I suppose they think a kid who takes care of an orphanage can't be all bad. It takes special people to handle a situation like that."

Seraphita loves those children. Finally, she's found someone to play with her. It was almost enough to bring a smile to her lips. Sera-chan wasn't really all that childish, but she fit so well in the company of the kids at the orphanage; she wasn't exactly reliable enough to be left to watch over them, but she kept them busy with her games and her exaggerated stories of her days as an Element. She was the perfect assisstant, like a big sister to every one of them. And they needed that, so badly....... just someone to love them, and watch over them, with their parents gone......

Kelvena couldn't imagine growing up without her parents. She couldn't imagine losing them violently, to a war, or to the virus Lord Krelian released into the atmosphere. What kind of suffering had they experienced, while she was murdering people just like their parents, and making use of the only skills she had?

They had been a curse in that way, she supposed. But...... but her ether, her power, had been all there was to her life. All she could ever do well. She was useless without it!

"Yes. I suppose it does take a certain kind of person to do it -- but really, all you need is a little compassion, and you would be surprised how far it goes."

"Compassion didn't end the war." She opened her eyes again, unable to stand the cold, empty darkness any longer.

"It got us to where we needed to be to win. That was just enough to save everyone." Billy shrugged, or she thought he did; she still refused to look over at him. "Compassion is not always selfless, you know. You have to care enough about yourself before you are capable of caring for others." His voice was soft enough to blend with the wind, and she had to strain to hear it, however the words stung. She couldn't not listen to him. "Otherwise, you lack the understanding necessary to..... help others......"

Help others? How on earth could she help people? She couldn't even help herself! "Understanding won't rebuild their houses, will it? It won't help create new serums to treat mutations, or bring back their loved ones. It won't take care of the children who don't understand that they're never going to see their parents again......."

"But it'll start the healing process...... and people healed can rebuild their houses on their own."

My house has collapsed...... my precious, ever so delicate walls of ice and insubstantial light have been shattered.

But that said it all, didn't it? 'Insubstantial'...... She was stupid, to cling to such a childish, misguided vision of power. It was gone; without it, she had lost that thing that made her special, that feeling...... the feeling of superiority...... and the ability to back it up. The power to justify the means with the end......

But it had never truly worked, had it? She looked back on her year as an Element, and saw only pale, fearful faces, terrified eyes, and the screams of pain her actions illicited. Where...... where was her glory? Where was that feeling of satisfaction she had so felt, with the taste of victory and the burn of Drive running through her veins?

Oh yes, that's right Kelvena....... blame it on the Drive. She clenched her teeth, afraid if she released herself from strict control, she would start laughing like a maniac. Or crying like one of the children. Drive was only part of the problem. I didn't have to take it. And I didn't have to act like I was on it when I fought without it.

She hated the way it all led back to her own decisions. Wasn't there one thing she could blame on something else?

But that was also childish. And she hated the fact that it had even entered her head.

Kelvena forced herself to shrug. "The healing process will break some of them. It seems...... unfair...... that things have to get harder before they get better. Even for......." Even for Lambs.

But then, there was no longer a distinction between the supposed Chosen people and the surface dwellers, was there? They were all locked to the soil, now....... And perhaps it was a stronger foundation, in more than a physical sense....... but stong foundations meant nothing when you had nothing to build on them.

"Why do you think the theory that god has a twisted sense of humor is so popular?" She felt Billy smile slightly -- a change in the air almost, or so it seemed to her -- and he sat up all the way, looking down at her. "Honestly...... I can't tell you how to heal from your wounds, Kel. And I know you have them, somewhere deep down."

The breeze came, stronger; it lifted his hair from his forehead, again revealing eyes that shined more clearly than the sky at dawn, in the silver moonlight. The shadows playing across his face only made them seem stronger, somehow. She looked away from him, turning her face so the wind would not blow her hair into her eyes.

A soft sigh escaped his lips. "But you have to be able to admit to them before you can expect them to leave you."

Just like you had to speak of your dreams to dissolve their hold in relaity, and name a deamon to expose its weakness..... But if those were just simple superstitions, wouldn't his word be as well? Of course...... so many superstitions and legends had come to life in the last few months she wasn't sure she trusted the old line seperating reality and fantasy any longer.

Was there a line seperating the two any longer?

"You're speaking as if I could do this consciously," she finally replied, letting her eyes follow the errant waves of grass in the breeze. "I don't know what you expect......"

"I expect you to try." She almost wished he would shout at her, the way Dominia would -- and did. But somehow, he never raised his voice; he managed to keep it even, soft, just the way it always was, for her. She wondered if he had a certain way of speaking for everyone, or if it was just her imagination. "I'd be very disappointed in you if you didn't, Kel...... but I think I know you a little better than that."

Try...... Kelvena snorted, but kept her peace.

He seemed to smile again, though she could not pinpoint what told her so. "Well, if that's the way you feel about it......"

Grass rustled as he stood and drew his coat from the ground to his shoulders. Her head snapped around; she tried to maintain her nonchalance and pretend it had been simple reflexes, but his continued smile told her he saw right through her efforts. Instead, she rose with him, idly brushing grass from her legs, and shaking it out of her hair.

"Is there something......?" He raised his eyebrows with an infuriatingly innocent smile.

Brat...... The affectionate thought softened her ire, but she glared at him silently, flicking a piece of grass at him. "You priests are wonderfully adept at guilt trips, aren't you?" The smile widened, but he said nothing; he simply shrugged into his cloak, and offered his arm.

Kelvena took it with a defeated sigh, still glaring at him. He either didn't notice, or ignored it altogether -- just the way he usually did. It probably amused him....... He knows I can't keep it up. She almost smiled, in spite of herself, and bit it back. He always shakes me out of this......

"Where are we going?"

He shrugged, drawing her along the path back to the cathedral, and what remained of civilization. "Does it really matter?"

She blinked for a moment, then shook her head. "No...... I suppose not." It would all be the same, for the most part, no matter where he decided to take her. And there weren't many places to go...... But as long as someone was there to hold her hand....... It was a weak thought, but something she couldn't bring herself to hate; his kindness, and his caring, were more than anyone like her deserved.

And it was nice to know...... just once....... that someone would be there to hold her hand.


Be assured always, my child, that I am with thee.