A Trail of Tears By: Amber Michelle K. myaru@etherealvoid.net Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IX and its characters are (C) Squaresoft. This story is meant for entertainment only. Note: This fan fic contains spoilers for the ending of FF9 - if you haven't beaten the game yet, you probably shouldn't be reading this. Oh, and the title is kind of symbolic, but that doesn't matter much for the story. --- What is the meaning of life? The purpose of life... is to keep on living. Question and answer... they fit so perfectly together, that it didn't leave much room for thought. It was simplsitic, to the point, and very different from what she'd heard in Bran Bal - but no easier to understand. Just a little before, she'd asked the question again, and the despairing voice of an enemy had answered her. The purpose of life... is to die. But no... The purpose of their lives - the Genomes, the Black Mages - was to be enslaved. Work for Kuja, work for Garland... It doesn't matter who you are or where you were born, so long as you serve your purpose. Destroy things. Become vessels for the souls of Terra. Now find yourselves, so you can contribute to rebuilding the damage you've caused. You are children - grow up. Do as you're told. No. Tell me... what is the meaning of life? And why? Why are we alive? Why were we created? Why were we saved? Wood creaked and groaned as Mikoto shifted on the rickety pine fence that enclosed the chocobo yard, vibrating when her legs, swinging back and forth, struck the slats. Sun gold hair swayed in the cool spring breeze, and her tail lashed back and forth in imitation of the cat that had taken up residence on the post next to her. Bobby Corwen wasn't even out today, not yet... He was huddled in his nest of straw, watched over by the intent yellow orbs of the black mages who had raised him from birth, and hiding from the still-cool morning that had yet to become a true day. The sun was still below the tops of the trees, and the sky only barely blue; normal people would have been asleep, she supposed, but her head was too full of questions to allow her to "sleep". Her kind didn't really like sleeping. At least, she didn't. The others were learning, but the advent of that black nothingness that the others called rest always drove her away. Sleep was like a death, and that frightened her. She reached out to stroke the cat's fur absently, feeling it tickle her fingers, wondering... Fear was illogical, so why did she feel it? Happiness was ridiculous, so why did it bubble up in her throat every time Zidane's friends would return to visit her? Was it because she had a soul, and therefore could "feel" things...? But "Mikoto" was supposed to be able to reason it away, because her mind had been created to be superior to the others. "Mikoto" was supposed to be Garland's little angel. She had the potential of Terra's greatest scholar locked within her body, intended to replace Kuja and Zidane and destroy Gaia's civilizations with her superior abilities. Why? She'd had a purpose in life, but not anymore. Why go on living? Was there any meaning to life at all? Was there any left for a puppet whose strings had been cut and left dangling? Or maybe she should ask... is there any way to die? "It's still too early for Bobby Corwen to be allowed outside yet. If you want, you can come and help us feed the kittens - they're making a lot of noise." Mikoto looked up, stilling her hand on the cat's back. "Won't their mother feed them...? I thought... that was the way it was supposed to go." Identifying the different mages had been difficult at first, but she'd grown to know this one well - No. 335... the only one that had as many questions as she did. She liked that. He nodded. "But not all of them get to eat before she leaves... There are too many of them now. No. 417 got tired of it and started giving the others milk while they waited." His round eyes looked dulled... tired maybe, or just losing their brilliance. Did that mean he would "stop" soon, like so many had done? Frightened for a reason she couldn't quite understand, Mikoto jumped down and tried to keep her expression smooth when she looked up at him to nod. The cat leapt from it's place on the post and meowed, but scampered off quickly when it realized that she wasn't interested in petting it any longer. Now that... that she understood just fine. She knew when her presence wasn't wanted... and what it felt like to want to be noticed. When Garland had spent so much time trying to control Kuja, that feeling had dominated her thoughts, no matter what she did to make it go away. Zidane's arrival had caused the same worried thoughts. What if he is chosen? What will I do then? The same voice had answered her, back then... or maybe not a voice, so much as something she just knew, as if the thought had become a part of her the moment her counterpart conceived it. You take your destiny into your own hands. Live, and don't let him destroy you like a useless toy. If he will not let you justify yourself, then let life do it for you. Kuja had never struck her as a serious person... but she knew those thoughts had come from him. He'd played, and made a mockery of Garland's plans, yet deep in his heart had been the same questions she was asking now. But his answer was different from Zidane's... The meaning of life is in your reason for living. She trailed further behind No. 335, her feet dragging on the dirt path. When he turned around to wait for her she waved him on, and he left, leaving her behind on the little stretch of path between Bobby Corwen's house and the town proper. Quiet, solitary... perfect for a being who wanted to be alone with themselves. "Your face is wet. Why?" Garnet rose hurriedly, brushing the dirt from her knees. "This?" She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands, swiping her sleeve over her eyes. "I'm just..." "Just what?" Mikoto tilted her head, watching the girl's eyes water again. She remembered something like that, a long time ago... "... Sad." Garnet smiled, but it was shaky. "I'm too old to cry, but sometimes I can't help it. Don't you do the same thing when something hurts you?" "Do things always hurt you like this?" "No..." She wiped her eyes again, and her smile faded. "But Zidane is right; without a little pain now and then, we wouldn't know if we were happy. 'It's like a needle that jabs you just to let you know that the good stuff isn't all a dream.'" Was the fear she felt the same thing? Did she fear things, like death... so she would know she's alive? But there was no meaning to her life - she was just here, petting cats and feeding their kittens, and helping to bury the mages that "stopped". How was she supposed to justify herself if there was nothing there? I miss Kuja. The ludicrous thought shocked her, but it rang true. I feel like less, now that he's gone. Zidane was quiet... she didn't know if he was still alive or not, now. But she couldn't... couldn't define herself by their existence any longer. If Zidane was really gone, then she couldn't think of herself as his 'sister' any longer... she would have to be just "Mikoto". But who is Mikoto? She scuffled off the path, settling down on the ground between two huge tree roots just in case someone else would need the road - without her standing in the middle of it. Who am I? What do I want? Why am I still alive? She wanted to help the Genomes learn how to feel, without the souls Garland was supposed to give them. Garnet said that everything was born with a soul, no matter how it was made... and if that was true, then she wanted to help the others of her kind find the souls that were hidden in their minds. Did that count? She had a soul... she felt some things. But sometimes Mikoto wondered - to herself - if Garland had lied to her... emotion had never come as easily to her as it had to the other two. She didn't feel as alive as Zidane used to look, or revel in dramatics like Kuja used to. If she had a soul, didn't it stand to reason that she would feel the same things they did? "Did you ever think that maybe you're letting your mind get in the way?" Mikoto blinked at Zidane, her tail curving into a questioning line. "What do you mean? How can my mind get in the way? Isn't that where feelings come from?" He shrugged, rubbing the back of his head. After a moment, he replied, "I don't really know where feelings come from. But I do know that thinking about them too much doesn't help any. They're two different things." "For you, they are different. What about me?" "We're not that different, Mikoto. It doesn't matter how we were made, y'know... we're just like everyone else on Gaia. But you have to find your feelings on your own. I can't help you with that, because I'm not you - you're your own person." Oh, she wanted so much to be able to laugh, or even cry like Garnet had been crying... She'd felt sad when she heard that Zidane had been left behind, but she hadn't cried... The hurt was there, but things were different with her. How could she be 'just like everyone else' and different at the same time? If she was her own person, then... "Don't think about it." She stared off in the direction of the Iifa tree. Although she couldn't see it because of the trees and the mountains of Conde Piete, she felt the residue of its presence to the west, and the last traces of her 'family' with it. "You're kind of like my sister. I couldn't leave you there without a fight..." Mikoto bit her lower lip, leaning back against the trunk of the tree and hugging her knees to her chest. Clumps of fine hair slid from where they had been tucked behind her ears to drift into her face with the wind, but it didn't matter; if she couldn't see the tree with her eyes, she could still feel it with her soul. She hadn't thought about Zidane in a long time... It was nice to be reminded of him. His last, parting grin had often haunted her dreams before she stopped sleeping, and she'd pushed it out of her mind because it hurt too much to think about it. But remembering the things he'd said to her... Remembering the things he'd done for her... ... she felt that 'nice feeling'. Don't think about it. Mikoto nodded, watching in curious discomfort as the landscape before her blurred into the sky above. Don't think about it, just feel it...? "You're like my sister - I couldn't leave you there without a fight. You have a right to live too." She tried to smile like Garnet had smiled, and felt something wet trail down her cheek. "You get stranger every time we talk, Zidane. But... I think I like you." He slapped her on the back, ignoring her startled look, and grinned with too many teeth. "That's the spirit, Mikoto! You're already getting better. Just don't think about it so much and you'll be fine." Yes... she'd have to remember that, from now on.